And ask if they would be prepared
To carry out my wish
Send a message, from the trenches
To my love ones
Tell them I am in-between lives
Making a transformation
From what once was
To what is to be
This stage reached has been long
Like an overdue pregnancy
And I wait impatient for deliverance
Though I know sometimes on wise thoughts
I sneeze on rush, results of which
Scatters my gold dust, among sea sands
I try to harness the virtue of patience
Learning to thread the needle's eye
I am made of more, much more I know it
Much more than what I hold
Loose change so precious
I fear even losing those sometimes
Am I to believe the oracle?
Who looked into my arms and for told
She giggled like small prints before authoring words
If so, and I am to take one, in short cuts
From her in gifts she offers
Then another I would be forced to take
For in her baskets, in prices to pay
She has within hidden rotten apples
Just behind the ripest of them all
So no, I choose to make it on my own
I only ask if you will be prepared
To carry out my wish, oh friend of feathers
Send a message to love ones
To tell them I am in-between lives
Closer to deliverance
This is a fine read - i enjoyed the imaginative interplay between constructed images and the developing meaning - you have interwoven some very nice layers which harness your intentions and add some real quality. i can here your voice which is important - i havent read a great deal of your poetry but of the pieces i have read i would say this is one of your strongest - good luck
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what happened to my first comment, but what I basically said was how much I really enjoyed this poem, especially:
ReplyDeleteI try to harness the virtue of patience
Learning to thread the needle's eye
I am made of more, much more I know it
creative thoughts...
ReplyDeletevery well penned piece. friendship is mutual and you got your message crossed here.
I like the concept of in-between lives, beginning and ending, making it full circle.
ReplyDeleteI thought this would be tighter if you drop some words:
Making a [transition] transformation
From what once was
To what is [now to come] to be
Much more than what I hold
[In] loose change so precious
I fear even loosing (losing?) those sometimes
I thought these lines are great:
"Though I know sometimes on wise thoughts
I sneeze on rush, results of which
Scatters my gold dust, among sea sands"
I like the message being sent out...meaningful and positive tone ~
That's my humble comments from newbie-not-so- crit me ~
i like how you took the in between lives and wrapped it from beginning to end, and then added to it...makes that addition at the end all the more...i like...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments in my blog.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to note that you revised based on my little inputs. I can appreciate that you moderated my crit comments but it would have been good to show to others that I can give a crit based on the guidelines. We learn also from reading comments of others.
See you and keep on writing.
There are many lovely passages in this poem, and many that are very powerful in their effect.
ReplyDeleteOne that is both is:
This stage reached has been long
Like an overdue pregnancy
And I wait impatient for deliverance
t was a very enjoyable experience, reading this.